By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
