I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize