We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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