I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
