i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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