Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
