Pants 0. Shit 1.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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