There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
