I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
