i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
They took my balls.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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