New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
