at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
