Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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