I just threw up on my dentist
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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