Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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