this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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