omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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