mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
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