to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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