Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Hippo gnu deer
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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