I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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