How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
