Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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