you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
