we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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