i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
