she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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