the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
