I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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