Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
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