He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
