So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
