i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
