If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
