i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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