Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
