all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Randomize
