i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
