my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
