checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
