My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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