Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
