proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
