I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
