hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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