I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize