I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
