Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
