he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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