I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
it's like iHOP with fire
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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