i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
