I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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