You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
