Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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