sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I just gargled with NyQuil
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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