I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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