I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
