it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize