he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
