Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize